while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
