I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
