Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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