They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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