Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
