I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
