shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
