tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
