I got chris browned last night
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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