WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
