Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
