I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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