i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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