what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
