That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
