swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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