if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
