i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
