Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
