Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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