Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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