I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
