A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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