When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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