did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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