I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
