3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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