You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
