found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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