we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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