capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
