I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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