u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
