I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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