dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
