I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
