just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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