Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
