im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
