so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So squirting runs in the family.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The cops high fived after they tackled you
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
