Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
