Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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