This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
