her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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