I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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