I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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