Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
