She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
