So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
