She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
