Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
