I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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